 |
free hosting image hosting hosting reseller online album e-shop famous people |  |
  |
||
|
free hosting image hosting hosting reseller online album e-shop famous people | |
|
||
   |
in a morbid mood tonight... mommy and daddy are going overseas to china for a holiday and paranoia's a bit high. mommy just pointedly showed me where the travel insurance papers were and i just feel really worried. after you went off and never came back, i'm just so scared it'll happen again...
-frets-
[Edited at 12:19AM to add that i was temporarily cheered up by the brilliant new harry potter trailer. the kids are bloody brilliant in this one. and so is alan rickman...]
she took the flowers and left at 4:07 PM
don't know why i'm such a paranoid little git, but turns out one of my hunches was true. Queen Mary did not receive my essay. so i sent it in again... but am feeling very uneasy as i'm still worried they might not get it... again. O__O -crosses fingers-
been living for american idol these few days... having a terrible drawing block (hur.) and being flat broke, i'm not one for going out (not till my next payday anyways.) so tv land it is! am rooting for no particular person, unlike last year where it was more or less clay all the way, (right up to the finals where i felt ruben gave a better performance) but this year everyone's more or less even and there's no real standout. i think latoya shouts, and fantasia's annoying. diana's aiiight, jasmine borders on fake but i'm rooting for her still (though her performances are tres inconsistent), camille looks stricken everytime she's on stage. and john... john belongs in a different era altogether. : (
and i haven't received any calls from psc/moe. maybe they're still clearing the backlog from last year... -crosses fingers- i haven't been rejected outright yet... so there's still a hope... right? and i did put teaching as first choice... so hopefully they'll consider me for moe... right? oh god. didn't bother to apply to any other scholarship. i'm not one for management, so SIA/CAAS is out, and i'm not joining the SAF. :P so yeah. only moe now. sigh. feeling very paranoid.
on the other hand, i keep receiving calls from Adecco (the employment agency that was looking for people to work at the LotR exhibitions.) I didn't get that LotR job, but instead was offered: contact lens promoting, and most recently... Beer promoting! -dies laughing- the guy kept assuring me it wasn't some skimpy slutty coffee shop thing but a respectable job in a supermarket for 6 days. said no. cos i hate alcohol, and honestly, beer promotion? -shudder- they prolly can't find anyone to take the job, cos he kept badgering me to take it.
finally, on an utterly frivolous note, i now weigh 52kg (and am very proud of that) but unfortunately, my waist still looks as wide as my hips. (curse my flab!)
she took the flowers and left at 2:26 AM
rather bizarrely, (and i don't know what to make of it), York has revised my previous AAB conditional offer to an unconditional one. which is odd, cos i told the York rep already at education UK that i did qualify for York's conditional offer. bizarre. O__O
she took the flowers and left at 3:19 PM
i wish there were words to express the confusion that i feel, but there really isn't. everyday my decision changes with every casual comment and now i'm just finding it so hard to separate dream from reality, snob-appeal from passion, and there's a boredom and tedium and loneliness all the time and i don't fucking have a clue about what i want. i don't know who i am, what i want to do, where i want to go. and it's so confusing and this uncertainty scares me. my future is an unreadable blank. i want so many things. like alvin (yes, alvin of all people) says, "i have dreams. big dreams." so do i. but dreams don't come true for everyone. in your mind you see how it'll work out but you have to face it that real life never works out the way it should. you try to believe what people tell you but they've never seen you tested and it's all based on pure conjecture and i wish i had your life. you're all i ever wanted to be. i want your life.
fol rol de ol rol.
she took the flowers and left at 4:43 PM
only because THIS is the most amazingly hilarious thing i have ever seen. it's like crack, only better. if you've ever imagined alan rickman (prof snape in the harry potter movies) dancing to 'i'm too sexy' this is for you. if you've never imagined that but are now unable to get the mental image out your head, just click on it and work it out of your system. it's fucking funny.
(as a sidenote... i am applying to NUS for... -drumroll- LAW!)
(hur hur.)
she took the flowers and left at 3:48 PM
as you can see, new layout. black was getting depressive.
(yes, depressive. as opposed to my entries. -smirk-)
she took the flowers and left at 6:01 AM
so i quit. sigh. feel considerably free now. no more agonising afternoons trying to explain to a girl who won't learn. (doesn't want to, in fact.) and i'm almost thankful she didn't want to take mel as a replacement so i don't have to feel guilty about dumping her on mel.
on the post-A level scramble. i think i've mentally given up. no word at all from the good people at psc/moe... even though i submitted before december 31 which technically qualified me for early submission. sigh. i really really need that teaching scholarship... even though it doesn't pay for everything, still, it's better than paying for it all by myself. i hope my results are considered 'excellent'. sigh. and nac scholarships/bursaries look incredibly intimidating for me to even try for them. i've not been particularly 'active in the arts scene' and who can i get to write my referral? i've dropped out of the drama scene for quite a while already (and i'm [admittedly] not that great at it...) the nac undergrad scholarship closed, singapore international media stopped giving out scholarships, and no one else lets you take lit.
and i'm quickly sobering up right now... that all those little daydreams are pretty impractical to pursue, so i'll just occupy myself with am-dram. it's less glamourous, but i'm in it for the fun anyways, not for the money (or lack thereof). so that pretty much rules out queen mary (though being the indecisive person i am this is subject to change every 5 minutes). have ruled out the rest that aren't in london (oh, york. if only you had offered me the other course instead.) so this leaves ucl and king's. on one hand, king's has a much larger range of modules that i can study, but ucl has it's own west-end theatre! and a musical society. and a drama society that went to edinburgh fringe festival! and a course about homosexuality in literature. ehehehehehe.
sigh.
mom says that even without a scholarship, she can afford to send me overseas if i really want to (but i must promise her i'll study and not run off to the west end everyday to watch shows and stalk actors) they'll still be able to live oh-kay in singapore... but i feel really crummy if i let them do that. it's a debt i'll probably never be able to repay... and the reason we have the money to send me overseas is because -you- never made it to university and we still have your university funds in the bank, but i feel even worse taking your money, like i'm some scavenger feasting off your dead body. i don't want to do that. i don't want to feel like i'm profiting from your death.
she took the flowers and left at 5:25 AM
"one of us is crazy. one of us is mean and stupid and crazy. Which is it? is it me? Is it me, standing here like a hysterical girl, hardly able to get my words out? Or is it her? Sitting there, putting on her shoes to go out with that-- ( but inspiration has deserted him by now) Which is it?"
"was i really wrong to believe that there's a-- a kind of -- burning virility of mind and spirit that looks for something as itself? The heaviest, strongest creatures in this world seem to be the loneliest. Like the old bear, following his own breath in the dark forest. There's no warm pack, no herd to comfort him. The voice that cries out doesn't have to be a weakling's, does it?"
"I may be a lost cause, but i thought if you loved me, it needn't matter."
"Poor bears! Oh, poor, poor bears!"
-- Look Back in Anger by John Osborne
i suppose. just suppose (and begrudgingly will admit) that only 1 and a half subjects weren't what i had expected. and it is this 1 and a half subjects that makes 35% of a school population so expansively inclusive.
she took the flowers and left at 4:10 PM
it's weird after the amazing highs of monday (alfian sa'at... sigh. -twirls around clutching autographed books-) comes a mind-numbing, spirit-crushing low. (mind-numbing and spirit-crushing always go together. i can't use them separately. it's all trainspotting's fault. -eyes dart nervously-)
you know how they say hindsight is 20/20? my hindsight is beyond 20/20. it's so clear i can see the particles of dust floating through the air in my mulling. i'd liked to say i did my best, but i didn't. thought of a million things i could have said-- but didn't. ah, is that not the story of my life:
close, but not quite.
i will probably most likely not get the job.
and had a bad attack of people-phobia yesterday (which was tuesday). realised certain patterns: i can't talk to people i've heard about before, i can't talk to people who's poetry i read, i can't read the poetry of people i talk to (unless i'm reallyreally close to them prior to my reading of their poetry), i can't talk to people whom i blog-stalk (yes, the bizarre cyber-stalker, that's me), i don't perform well with groups. period. weird. on the other hand, i CAN talk to people i've never heard of/met before, i can talk to people younger than me, i can talk to strangers when it's an official job (like leading tours in council or teaching kids), or when i'm hyper. which is... rare outside of school.
there's just something about school that makes you feel like you can get away with anything. it gives you a certain energy to get through the day. (yeah... here i go on ANOTHER ilovehwachongrant--) the sun is warmer, the air refreshes, and there's something comforting about the order the structure and the mandatory comraderie it forces people to have.
i will, however, not wish to be there when results come out.
-throws up for the 876532nd time-
she took the flowers and left at 4:41 PM
dO nOT hUNT tHE bUNNIES
because i bizarrely really liked the picture of rukia that i drew, i made a [depressive] blog layout out of it. go me. and
look-- so many
shades of grey! and the font used on the separator is goodbye cruel world. isn't this just a basketful of sunshine.
depressive header title is the title of the instrumental theme that plays in the episode where rukia
leaves karakura for soul society.
kuchiki rukia is from the manga/anime series Bleach and belongs to Kubo Taito, yo. art belongs to meMeME.
cURRENTLY iNGESTING: Ulysses, James Joyce
sQUARE pEG
ai is a struggling and penniless university student alternating her time between humid ol singapore, and freezing |
sweltering* york, england. she has finally hit the big two-oh, and everyday she weeps and beats her breast, and sighs, and
heaves, and cries herself to sleep for the wild and feckless youth she never had. she now spends her time wondering about
authors and readers and texts, and how they all annihilate each other. she's had a pleasant life, the one we've all had,
filled to the brim with the love of absent things. (she also loves alfian sa'at's poetry, in case you hadn't noticed.) if you
think you can make her toes laugh, or if this blog has been your secret guilty pleasure, do feel free to find her at hotmail or yahoo
(*delete in
accordance to season)
rOUND hOLES
a-squared (group blog)
alanna
alfian sa'at (O_O)
alvin
angie
april
bean
christie and cuifen
count olaf
darth vader (roxors!)
esther
en qi
foxed
grace
history girl
jiamin
jing jing
The One Who Thinks I Hate Her
kelvin
ling
louis
min
natalie
pak
pei lin
pepper
pooh
raining
shaRon
victoria
wee zi
xingyi
eVERYTHING sPARKLY
10k commotion
the adventures of pudding
arcana
average jane
babochka
demonology 101
desert rocks
directions of destiny
golden
i harth darth
lapis aquae
luke chueh
Melody
the new adventures of bobbin
No Rest for the Wicked
OrientR
the perry bible fellowship
the powerpuff girls doujinshi
reman mythology
saturnalia
schism
sea of insanity
sinfest
Soul-d
The Students' Sketchpad
square brain
potter puffs!
zero sleep beauty
zombies calling
big top
zits
heart of the city
tHE gREEN fAIRY
potter puppet pals
online comics directory
j k rowling
lemony snicket
aBSENT pRESENCES
past deeds of unspeakable pain and terror
Powered by blogger
comments by haloscan
