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13.10
Are the dead, too, defiled by sorrow,
Remorse, or anguish? we who live
Clutch at our porous myths to borrow
Belief to ease us, to forgive
Those who by dying have bereft us
Of themselves, of ourselves, and left us
Prey to this spirit-baffling pain.
The countries round our lives maintain
No memoirists and no recorders.
Those who are born are too young, those
Who die too silent, to disclose
What lies across the occluded borders
Of this bright tract, where we can see
Each other evanescently.
this would have been so apt a poem for june 25th this year, but i read it 5 days too late... seth's verse novel is so heart-breaking, and i could imagine myself too running through the house to your room screaming your name in the hope that somehow you'd reply and you'd be there but there is only a silence and an empty room.
she took the flowers and left at 5:55 PM
there is such a heart-breaking end to fury. so dazzling and tragic and hopeless and fervent and wild reckless feckless mad rage and joy.
(colour me converted, mr rushdie.)
she took the flowers and left at 3:25 PM
today was a frivolous day of shopping and traipsing and wining and dining... didn't get to book my driving test though, goshdamnbuggerit.
anyways, i've been adding a lot of links to this blog lately... so i thought i'd just blog about some of em...
first, potter puppet pals! it's really pure crack. and so adorable and well done. -beams- and they've got a hidden animation in 'trouble at hogwarts' but you'll have to figure it out yerself. avada kedavra! eheheheheheh. and you should trawl through their livejournal as well, cos they have incredible stuff there, like i'm-too-sexy snape (which, psst... is back online... but don't tell anyone else) i feel like ordering a shirt though... anyone else wants one? you save on shipping if you order in bulk. heh.
next there's a few webcomics, like 'soul-d', which is... cute. the scenes in hell between ralph and baxter are really funny. i -heart- ralph. heh. and there's 'melody' which has no real plot going on but really nice art.
also, 'no rest for the wicked', which if you like your fairy tales shaken not stirred, then it's for you. the art is -very- manga-y, with huge eyes (even for manga standards) but it just suits the thing. and the art direction is quite interesting too. i love the way she draws red riding hood lurking in the woods... and perrault's cat silhouettes.
then there's 'zero sleep beauty', which has really pretty art and a lot of neil gaiman influences. becca ming is freaking talented, and she's so pretty too... sigh. some people have all the luck. check out her other stuff too... they're pretty entertaining.
and lastly, sea of insanity. it's about a nymph called isle... and the insanity she's surrounded by (hence the title, isle and sea, geddit? geddit?) the art's quite bad in the beginning, but it's actually a continuing plot so you have to start from the beginning. and as confusing as it may seem, it's freaking funny. and i love the way she blends greek mythology with the modern world, and how she makes all the characters lovable in their own way (which is harder than you think.) but be patient and stick with it, and you'll be hooked too.
the sad thing is, they mostly haven't updated in eons. -sulks-
she took the flowers and left at 2:27 PM
one night has passed, and my body feels like lead and mouth is stuffed with cotton wool and there are these words that want to come out but nothing sounds right.
i wish there was a specific someone to be angry with, like you or you or the few of you. but i know deep down there's only me. me and bone-crushing disappointment.
and it's the disappointment i have to live with. and the disappointment i can't get over.
and the thing is... it's not about pride and vanity (ok, so maybe a little) but it's mostly about validation. about knowing that there is that little something that you were (are?) good at. but now there's nothing but the discovery that perhaps no one except you ever thought that way and that you really are... nothing.
(but i don't want to surrender to a life of mediocrity.)
and now there is the 'why', the burning why why why, (because deep down i still hope there's been a mistake and that this a bad dream. a bad dream with incredible photo-realism - but still just a dream.) although i know that if i ask the answer will be exactly what i pictured it only then it'll be concrete and definite and inescapable.
this has a been a weird few posts and this blog re-edited and censored more times these two days than in entire months. and... sigh. i'm not angry with anyone no matter what it sounds like. and i know i'm a self-pitying prick again but just bear with me i need(ed?) to work it out somehow.
she took the flowers and left at 4:08 AM
you don't tell someone they've won something only to give it to someone else.
fuck you.
she took the flowers and left at 12:28 PM
i feel hollowed and emptied and there is still that bitter aftertaste in my mouth.
she took the flowers and left at 11:32 AM
argh. i hate sounding needy. but there's no point lying about it because that's how i feel and i know it's wrong to feel that way but i just do and i can't make that bitterness go away and i know i shouldn't but it's probably karma and i can't complain and i'm just so angry and i don't know i'm just i want it and i really needed it and i thought it would make everything better but now it's all worse and if they had a say in it what does it say about how they view me and maybe i'm just stupid to be following this path and that i don't know. go away.
i'm so sorry.
she took the flowers and left at 10:52 AM
dO nOT hUNT tHE bUNNIES
because i bizarrely really liked the picture of rukia that i drew, i made a [depressive] blog layout out of it. go me. and
look-- so many
shades of grey! and the font used on the separator is goodbye cruel world. isn't this just a basketful of sunshine.
depressive header title is the title of the instrumental theme that plays in the episode where rukia
leaves karakura for soul society.
kuchiki rukia is from the manga/anime series Bleach and belongs to Kubo Taito, yo. art belongs to meMeME.
cURRENTLY iNGESTING: Ulysses, James Joyce
sQUARE pEG
ai is a struggling and penniless university student alternating her time between humid ol singapore, and freezing |
sweltering* york, england. she has finally hit the big two-oh, and everyday she weeps and beats her breast, and sighs, and
heaves, and cries herself to sleep for the wild and feckless youth she never had. she now spends her time wondering about
authors and readers and texts, and how they all annihilate each other. she's had a pleasant life, the one we've all had,
filled to the brim with the love of absent things. (she also loves alfian sa'at's poetry, in case you hadn't noticed.) if you
think you can make her toes laugh, or if this blog has been your secret guilty pleasure, do feel free to find her at hotmail or yahoo
(*delete in
accordance to season)
rOUND hOLES
a-squared (group blog)
alanna
alfian sa'at (O_O)
alvin
angie
april
bean
christie and cuifen
count olaf
darth vader (roxors!)
esther
en qi
foxed
grace
history girl
jiamin
jing jing
The One Who Thinks I Hate Her
kelvin
ling
louis
min
natalie
pak
pei lin
pepper
pooh
raining
shaRon
victoria
wee zi
xingyi
eVERYTHING sPARKLY
10k commotion
the adventures of pudding
arcana
average jane
babochka
demonology 101
desert rocks
directions of destiny
golden
i harth darth
lapis aquae
luke chueh
Melody
the new adventures of bobbin
No Rest for the Wicked
OrientR
the perry bible fellowship
the powerpuff girls doujinshi
reman mythology
saturnalia
schism
sea of insanity
sinfest
Soul-d
The Students' Sketchpad
square brain
potter puffs!
zero sleep beauty
zombies calling
big top
zits
heart of the city
tHE gREEN fAIRY
potter puppet pals
online comics directory
j k rowling
lemony snicket
aBSENT pRESENCES
past deeds of unspeakable pain and terror
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